Height Requirements in Dating

Before I deleted my dating apps, I saw a guy on Tinder who’s profile mentioned that women who had specific height requirements for dating needed to pull their heads out of their asses. Maybe not in those exact words, but I could read between the lines. I was tempted to try and match with him just to find out exactly how short he is. Because while it doesn’t sound so bad in my head, when it comes out of my mouth that I can’t possibly date anyone under 6’2, I realise how incredibly shallow and awful that sounds. But hear me out for five minutes, and let me plead my case.

It is not that I think men who are shorter than me are not attractive. On the contrary, there are plenty of guys shorter than me who are hot. I still wouldn’t date them. It is not that I think men who are shorter than me are boring or stupid. I have actually found the opposite – I have met a lot of men shorter than me who are brilliant. I have met men shorter than me who are funny, easy going, and I have a great time with them.

I just have not ever wanted to rip their clothes off and/or have a relationship with them. And look, I did “date” a short guy once (by date I think we hung out and made out a couple of times) and I distinctly remember walking through a shopping center and just getting stares. All the stares. Maybe it was in my head, but I don’t think so.

My height requirements for dating have absolutely nothing to do with you as a person and everything to do with ME. I am 5’10 (about 178cm) and in heels, well over 6 foot. I am not a delicate woman. I am not a string bean. If I am honest, I could stand to lose about 10kgs.  Good thing I am tall, as I can usually carry these extra 10kgs quite well.

But my size does make me self conscious about my sex appeal. I walked through a group of men of varying ages recently and heard one say, “She looks like a strong one, eh?” Seriously.

All I want is a giant, who will wrap his big arms around me, pull my head to his chest and hold me tight and make me feel small. Make me feel feminine. Make me feel like I am sexy. Yeah yeah yeah, I know, if I feel sexy within myself I will look sexy and all that other rubbish. I’m working on it. For now, what makes me feel sexy is being smaller than my man.

Having a height preference is no different to having a preference on hair colour/eye colour/race or ethnicity/beard or clean shaven. It is just another physical trait that makes up what we are or aren’t attracted to. Please do not take my height requirement for dating as a slight on your personality or looks.

It’s just that I don’t want to be the big spoon. I want to be the little spoon.

Are you tall? Do you have height requirements for dating? Of even more curiosity – are you in a relationship with a man who is shorter than you?

Online Dating, Ghosting and Benching

I’ve learned a few things over the past few weeks when it comes to dating. I’ve learned that I am not alone in being completely confuffled and bemused by men who seem to be so keen on you but then “ghost” you. I’ve learned how to recognize when I’m being “benched” and I think I have finally learned, and accepted, that if a guy does either of those things, that is a reflection on him, not on me.

I recently put myself out there, and put it all on the line by asking someone I had a genuine interest in if there was room for me on his very full plate, “because I am really attracted to you” I said. “I am just not sure it’s mutual?” That was over a week ago, with no response. That, my non-dating friends, is called “ghosting”. Disappeared, like a ghost.

I then came to read an article about someone who had been “benched” by the guy she thought she was seeing, only to realise that he never made an effort to contact her or make plans with her and if he did it was last minute. This is called benching – aka, suit up, get ready to play, but you’re only getting called into the game if one of the other, better players, gets injured. Apparently “everyone” does it. I’m not sure I have. I have called other players into the game when one of my main players or stars have not shown up. Is that the same thing? Perhaps.

Either way, I have learned that men people in the dating game have very little regard for the person they are seeing or have been talking to. I gave my ghost an out. I acknowledged how full his plate was, and wondered if there was room for me. A simple, “I’m really sorry, you’re right, my plate is very full and this is all a bit too hard at the moment” would have sufficed.

Out of ALL the guys I’ve dated in the last 12 months, and I have been on so. many. dates. I have had TWO be straight up honest with me. I accidentally told one of them I was looking for someone tall and then rattled off a host of other attributes before remembering the guy I was sitting next to was a couple of centimeters shorter than me. He asked me if his height was an issue for me and didn’t set me on fire when I told him that I do have an issue dating shorter guys – will save that for the next post. And recently a guy I had a 4.5 hour dinner with went home and messaged me telling me it felt more like a friendship but best of luck in my search. While I wish he’d have just said that 2 hours into our date, I was grateful for his honesty.

So I have vowed to be honest with everyone I date going forwards. It feels really uncomfortable and cruel to tell someone you “weren’t really feeling it” or don’t find them physically attractive, not that it has to come out that way, but it is the fairer thing to do in the end. I would rather not waste time and emotions on someone who is obviously not feeling the same way about me as I am about them.

Bet all you married folk are glad you’re not navigating this game anymore. But those of you who are single – how do you let people down gently? Do you ghost or bench people? I’m also curious to see if this happens mostly to women or if women are as guilty of it as men are.

The Addiction to Dating Apps

Have you got any addictions? Smoking? Vodka? Coffee? Have you got any technological addictions? Facebook perhaps? Do you look at the app every 10 minutes on the dot, wondering what you’re missing out on?

Turns out you can also develop an addiction to dating and dating apps. When Tinder told me “There is no one new near you” I expanded my search distance or age restrictions to get more hits. I had a saved search on Plenty of Fish that I would do every day, just in case a new guy who met my every requirement (and lets face it, the list is long) joined up overnight or while I was at work. And I checked constantly for new users. What if I missed him?? Then I started to worry….

online-dating-site-soulmate-love-sex-cry-for-help-ecards-someecards

It got to the point where I had several conversations going on both Tinder and Plenty of Fish. I met a handful of them, one who really took my fancy in fact. Unfortunately, I didn’t take his fancy quite as much. If on your 4th date, your guy falls asleep on your couch then wakes up and goes home without so much as trying to cop a feel, he’s probably just not that into you. Lesson learned the hard way, but lesson learned.

The thing is, the more I messaged with people, the more I met people, the more I got completely let down by people I really felt a connection with and got excited about, the more I realised the dating apps, and dating, were completely destroying me. They were completely destroying my self esteem, and they were completely destroying my ability to be a good parent. Because they were at the forefront of my mind constantly. When my phone made a notification noise, I jumped at it.

So, December 31st, I deleted Mr Snoozy McSnooze pants, I deleted Tinder, I deleted Plenty of Fish, and I set off about 2017 the way I intend to live it: for myself, and my son. Perhaps after a few months of truly getting my priorities right and a few life-balls settled into the juggling routine, I may go back and dip my toes in the world of dating apps. Until then, I’ll put all that time and effort that went into dating, into myself. My hobbies. My son. Our life. Because I would much rather spend the rest of this life enjoying what I do have, than being obsessed with what I might or might not be missing out on.

It’s Becoming A Habit

At first having the freedom and newfound liberation to go and sleep with strangers when I wanted to, if I wanted to, was kind of thrilling. But it has become a bit of a habit, and now it just makes me feel awful about myself. Especially when I learn more about the One Night Stand and they seem like guys I’d like to have something more than a ONS with. Although I only find this out through cyber stalking. And you know, they clearly don’t feel the same. None of them have exactly tracked me down the next day to ask me on a date. And why would they when they already got what they wanted?

It takes a pretty strong, confident and noncommittal person to have a one night stand. My pattern is simple. I drink to much. A cute guy buys me some drinks. We flirt. We kiss, and I am his. I am that easy. It all feels wonderful at the time, but the next morning my flight instinct kicks in and I am gone before they awake. I really am the ideal ONS. No strings attached.

But there are strings attached. To me. To my emotional state of mind, which quite frankly has been pretty fragile the second half of this year. I thought this was supposed to get easier? Time was supposed to heal?

The solution seems simple. Don’t go out. Don’t get drunk. Don’t kiss cute boys. Any or all of those would be a good start. But then I sit home, alone, lonely, and end up feeling crap about myself anyway. Surely the right solution is to just figure out how to not get emotionally attached to a ONS. But is doing that really that easy? What do you think?

 

Not What I Thought

It’s been 12 months since my husband and I separated. And I can absolutely say, this is not what I thought it would be.

I thought that leaving a marriage I didn’t want to be in would automatically free me from all the weight I had been carrying around for years, knowing I wasn’t happy. I thought it would instantaneously make me happy. I thought being with someone I didn’t want to be with was keeping me from finding the one I was supposed to be with. I thought all my problems would be over once I finally got up the courage to walk.

Truth is, your problems and worries just change slightly. Instead of worrying that in 10 years time I’ll have wished I had left 10 years ago, I now worry that I will never find someone else. Instead of worrying about when we’ll be able to own a house, I worry about if I am going to be able to pay all the bills. Instead of worrying about my own sadness, depression, ability to cope with what I am going through, I now worry about my son’s sadness, depression, ability to cope with what I have put him through.

There are times I crave being on my own. There are times I am on my own and the loneliness is crushing.

My moods are generally dictated by the status of communication with whatever guy I am chatting to/seeing/hoping to hear from this week. To the point where I am so distracted at work I’ve had issues with my performance and my ability to bite my tongue and be diplomatic.

All of this had been building up and spiraled into a firey crash a couple of weeks ago, which led to my seeing a psychologist last week. We talked about boundaries, self worth, self discovery, the ability to change the way I think about things and working on the ability to think before speaking. And the biggest of all, ACCEPTANCE. Accepting what has happened, where I am now and accepting that the future will hold what the future will hold.

Life is like the tides, it ebbs and flows. Now to figure out how to ride the waves without having too big a crash.

 

 

2nd Date Heartache

I didn’t think it was possible to fall quickly for anyone. I have never really been that kind of girl. I can get carried away quickly in my mind, imagination runs down the path to all the things that could be ahead, but it doesn’t run for long before giving up and coming back to reality.

I also didn’t think those girls who were kicked off The Bachelor after a period of 2 weeks could possibly be so incredibly heart broken they’d be in tears. How ridiculous are they?

I didn’t think my judge of character could be so wrong.

But I am here to tell you I was wrong. On all three counts.

My recent post about All The Stars aligning to help you find someone was quite timely. I very quickly – too quickly really – thought I had found “The One.” Well, not THE ONE, but The One who was going to be my new boyfriend. The One I had so much in common with, a physical connection with, who checked ALL the boxes…who said all the right words. The One who seemed as interested in me as I was in him.

But words are just that. And words, actions…you know how it all goes. The thing is, dating with current technology can make the 2nd date feel like about the 10th, because you have talked so much and grown to know so much about this person, that even though you may have only spent time together twice, you feel so much more connected to them.

So while I nurse a broken heart, over someone I realise now that I barely even knew, I keep putting myself out there. Hoping that The One is not too far away, but coming to terms with the fact there may still be more heartache on the horizon before I find him. I absolutely loved watching The Bachelorette, and when Matty J’s heart broken in pieces, I felt it in my chest. But even Matty J said that to hide away for fear of being hurt is not living. So go on living I will, because eventually, the result will be different and my heart will sing.

 

All The Stars

I’ll just say it. The last time I dated there was no Facebook. There was no text messaging. I am old! There was online dating…it was new! But you still had to call people. There were still dating “rules” that included, among other things, not calling for at least 3 days. This was the appropriate amount of time to not look too keen but not look disinterested. Dinner was not a first date – too serious. You certainly didn’t have sex on the first date! This could be expected maybe around date 3 or 4, sometimes even longer!

Dating this time around is very different. Everything is instant. Instant messaging, often with the ability to see if your message has been sent/delivered/red and OMG THE HORROR – NOT REPLIED TO!

I’ve yet to meet someone who has shown a genuine interest in getting to know me rather than just get in my pants. Some of them I have let into my pants, because hey, a girl’s got needs too and sometimes the company and attention is nice.

But the one thing I have realised is that this time around, I don’t have time for bullshit. I don’t have time for “maybe that annoying habit will grow on me”. I don’t have time to settle for less than exactly what I am looking for. And I don’t have time to let people treat me like anything less than a princess. Which is what I’ve been letting people do.

The problem is, it’s not as easy as it seems. There are so many things, as a single parent in her late 30s, that have to align. Child-free weekends is a good start! If you have alternate child-free weekends, it is pretty much impossible. You know, unless you have really good babysitters or really understanding exes.

The next challenge is meeting someone who is on the same page and in the same stage of their life – moved on from the past and ready to settle down for the future. Anyone who just got out of any lengthy relationship is probably not really ready to embark on another. I know I certainly wasn’t. It’s coming up on a year now and I feel like I am finally ready to meet someone I want to keep around for a while.

Actually being attracted to each other is hit or miss. It would be easy to find a date online for every night of the week, and it might even feel like there is chemistry online, they look cute in their pictures, but rarely does this translate into real life chemistry (it did twice for me so far and I reckon I’ve been on at least 9 dates from online).

Then, finally, you have to have a similar level of interest in each other. One can’t be over keen because it scares the other one away (been on both ends of this one and think I am currently on both ends of it). I have met someone who ticks all my boxes and who I feel there’s a connection with, but I am not sure it is reciprocated. And I met someone who has flat out said that I tick all his boxes, but I already know I don’t feel that connection/spark. And while I know sparks don’t last, I think they need to at least be there at the start. Right? Or am I wrong?

And then after going through all this, I kind of think maybe it’s just easier/better to be on my own. I am a pretty cool chick, and quite the catch. I could do much worse than myself. And hey, my schedule will never conflict.