It’s Becoming A Habit

At first having the freedom and newfound liberation to go and sleep with strangers when I wanted to, if I wanted to, was kind of thrilling. But it has become a bit of a habit, and now it just makes me feel awful about myself. Especially when I learn more about the One Night Stand and they seem like guys I’d like to have something more than a ONS with. Although I only find this out through cyber stalking. And you know, they clearly don’t feel the same. None of them have exactly tracked me down the next day to ask me on a date. And why would they when they already got what they wanted?

It takes a pretty strong, confident and noncommittal person to have a one night stand. My pattern is simple. I drink to much. A cute guy buys me some drinks. We flirt. We kiss, and I am his. I am that easy. It all feels wonderful at the time, but the next morning my flight instinct kicks in and I am gone before they awake. I really am the ideal ONS. No strings attached.

But there are strings attached. To me. To my emotional state of mind, which quite frankly has been pretty fragile the second half of this year. I thought this was supposed to get easier? Time was supposed to heal?

The solution seems simple. Don’t go out. Don’t get drunk. Don’t kiss cute boys. Any or all of those would be a good start. But then I sit home, alone, lonely, and end up feeling crap about myself anyway. Surely the right solution is to just figure out how to not get emotionally attached to a ONS. But is doing that really that easy? What do you think?

 

Casual Sex

Even in my 20s, before I met my ex, I wasn’t all that good at doing the casual sex thing. I had a couple of one night stands, but always thought they’d lead to more, and analysed every word spoken. If I was going to have sex with someone, I was either really attracted to them physically, or I already knew them and was hoping something more would happen. So either way, there was some kind of attachment there. And for casual sex to really be casual, and to not leave some kind of scarring on any level, there needs to be zero attachment.

I thought when my marriage was over that I’d enjoy the fact that I got to date again, and to kiss or have sex with anyone I decided I wanted to. No strings attached. I’ve slept with three guys since my marriage ended, and kissed twice as many as that. It hasn’t exactly all been as fun as I thought it was going to be. And it hasn’t always been as unattached or casual as I thought it would be. But I have had some liberating moments, some eye-opening moments, and some really “nice” moments (for the record I find “nice” a very boring word, but I mean it in the nicest way possible here).

But this weekend hit a new low, when I spent the night with a very cute guy, who I knew it was only a one night stand with for many different reasons, yet I still found myself cyber-stalking the next day. In my head I let all these fantasies carry me away. Out of the few guys I’ve been with in the last 8 months or so, he was the sweetest. He was the one I felt most comfortable with. The one I wanted to shut the door and spend all weekend with. Let me tell you how unfun and how unsweet it was to find out that he is actually married.

Now he is not the first guy, nor will he likely be the last, to visit the Gold Coast and pretend to be single when in actual fact he’s got a wife and kids waiting for him at home. I’ve met several of them before, however in the past the wife and family have come up before I did anything that had the potential to ruin a whole family.

While I wouldn’t say I feel particularly guilty – I can only go by what I’m told, right? – I can’t say I feel particularly great about it either. And the revelation has taken something that I had really fond memories of and turned it into something really cheap and trashy. But it also taught me something. Casual sex and one night stands will never be anything more than that. Either I accept it or I just refuse to participate in it. And there is absolutely nothing good to come of cyber stalking the next day.

But it also brought up an interesting question. If your husband was away on a boys weekend, and cheated on you, would you want to know? Or do you think ignorance is bliss? With the click of a button I could tell his wife what happened. I won’t, because it is not my place to ruin her marriage. Her husband seems to be trying to do that on his own and I am sure one day he’ll be found out. But I often think if I had never known about my ex’s other women, I’d have been none the wiser, and we probably would have been much happier and not separated. It’s just a theory. What do you think?

Linking up with Alicia from One Mother  Hen for Open Slather Monday