Not What I Thought

It’s been 12 months since my husband and I separated. And I can absolutely say, this is not what I thought it would be.

I thought that leaving a marriage I didn’t want to be in would automatically free me from all the weight I had been carrying around for years, knowing I wasn’t happy. I thought it would instantaneously make me happy. I thought being with someone I didn’t want to be with was keeping me from finding the one I was supposed to be with. I thought all my problems would be over once I finally got up the courage to walk.

Truth is, your problems and worries just change slightly. Instead of worrying that in 10 years time I’ll have wished I had left 10 years ago, I now worry that I will never find someone else. Instead of worrying about when we’ll be able to own a house, I worry about if I am going to be able to pay all the bills. Instead of worrying about my own sadness, depression, ability to cope with what I am going through, I now worry about my son’s sadness, depression, ability to cope with what I have put him through.

There are times I crave being on my own. There are times I am on my own and the loneliness is crushing.

My moods are generally dictated by the status of communication with whatever guy I am chatting to/seeing/hoping to hear from this week. To the point where I am so distracted at work I’ve had issues with my performance and my ability to bite my tongue and be diplomatic.

All of this had been building up and spiraled into a firey crash a couple of weeks ago, which led to my seeing a psychologist last week. We talked about boundaries, self worth, self discovery, the ability to change the way I think about things and working on the ability to think before speaking. And the biggest of all, ACCEPTANCE. Accepting what has happened, where I am now and accepting that the future will hold what the future will hold.

Life is like the tides, it ebbs and flows. Now to figure out how to ride the waves without having too big a crash.

 

 

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