Height Requirements in Dating

Before I deleted my dating apps, I saw a guy on Tinder who’s profile mentioned that women who had specific height requirements for dating needed to pull their heads out of their asses. Maybe not in those exact words, but I could read between the lines. I was tempted to try and match with him just to find out exactly how short he is. Because while it doesn’t sound so bad in my head, when it comes out of my mouth that I can’t possibly date anyone under 6’2, I realise how incredibly shallow and awful that sounds. But hear me out for five minutes, and let me plead my case.

It is not that I think men who are shorter than me are not attractive. On the contrary, there are plenty of guys shorter than me who are hot. I still wouldn’t date them. It is not that I think men who are shorter than me are boring or stupid. I have actually found the opposite – I have met a lot of men shorter than me who are brilliant. I have met men shorter than me who are funny, easy going, and I have a great time with them.

I just have not ever wanted to rip their clothes off and/or have a relationship with them. And look, I did “date” a short guy once (by date I think we hung out and made out a couple of times) and I distinctly remember walking through a shopping center and just getting stares. All the stares. Maybe it was in my head, but I don’t think so.

My height requirements for dating have absolutely nothing to do with you as a person and everything to do with ME. I am 5’10 (about 178cm) and in heels, well over 6 foot. I am not a delicate woman. I am not a string bean. If I am honest, I could stand to lose about 10kgs.  Good thing I am tall, as I can usually carry these extra 10kgs quite well.

But my size does make me self conscious about my sex appeal. I walked through a group of men of varying ages recently and heard one say, “She looks like a strong one, eh?” Seriously.

All I want is a giant, who will wrap his big arms around me, pull my head to his chest and hold me tight and make me feel small. Make me feel feminine. Make me feel like I am sexy. Yeah yeah yeah, I know, if I feel sexy within myself I will look sexy and all that other rubbish. I’m working on it. For now, what makes me feel sexy is being smaller than my man.

Having a height preference is no different to having a preference on hair colour/eye colour/race or ethnicity/beard or clean shaven. It is just another physical trait that makes up what we are or aren’t attracted to. Please do not take my height requirement for dating as a slight on your personality or looks.

It’s just that I don’t want to be the big spoon. I want to be the little spoon.

Are you tall? Do you have height requirements for dating? Of even more curiosity – are you in a relationship with a man who is shorter than you?

Advertisements

Online Dating, Ghosting and Benching

I’ve learned a few things over the past few weeks when it comes to dating. I’ve learned that I am not alone in being completely confuffled and bemused by men who seem to be so keen on you but then “ghost” you. I’ve learned how to recognize when I’m being “benched” and I think I have finally learned, and accepted, that if a guy does either of those things, that is a reflection on him, not on me.

I recently put myself out there, and put it all on the line by asking someone I had a genuine interest in if there was room for me on his very full plate, “because I am really attracted to you” I said. “I am just not sure it’s mutual?” That was over a week ago, with no response. That, my non-dating friends, is called “ghosting”. Disappeared, like a ghost.

I then came to read an article about someone who had been “benched” by the guy she thought she was seeing, only to realise that he never made an effort to contact her or make plans with her and if he did it was last minute. This is called benching – aka, suit up, get ready to play, but you’re only getting called into the game if one of the other, better players, gets injured. Apparently “everyone” does it. I’m not sure I have. I have called other players into the game when one of my main players or stars have not shown up. Is that the same thing? Perhaps.

Either way, I have learned that men people in the dating game have very little regard for the person they are seeing or have been talking to. I gave my ghost an out. I acknowledged how full his plate was, and wondered if there was room for me. A simple, “I’m really sorry, you’re right, my plate is very full and this is all a bit too hard at the moment” would have sufficed.

Out of ALL the guys I’ve dated in the last 12 months, and I have been on so. many. dates. I have had TWO be straight up honest with me. I accidentally told one of them I was looking for someone tall and then rattled off a host of other attributes before remembering the guy I was sitting next to was a couple of centimeters shorter than me. He asked me if his height was an issue for me and didn’t set me on fire when I told him that I do have an issue dating shorter guys – will save that for the next post. And recently a guy I had a 4.5 hour dinner with went home and messaged me telling me it felt more like a friendship but best of luck in my search. While I wish he’d have just said that 2 hours into our date, I was grateful for his honesty.

So I have vowed to be honest with everyone I date going forwards. It feels really uncomfortable and cruel to tell someone you “weren’t really feeling it” or don’t find them physically attractive, not that it has to come out that way, but it is the fairer thing to do in the end. I would rather not waste time and emotions on someone who is obviously not feeling the same way about me as I am about them.

Bet all you married folk are glad you’re not navigating this game anymore. But those of you who are single – how do you let people down gently? Do you ghost or bench people? I’m also curious to see if this happens mostly to women or if women are as guilty of it as men are.

The Addiction to Dating Apps

Have you got any addictions? Smoking? Vodka? Coffee? Have you got any technological addictions? Facebook perhaps? Do you look at the app every 10 minutes on the dot, wondering what you’re missing out on?

Turns out you can also develop an addiction to dating and dating apps. When Tinder told me “There is no one new near you” I expanded my search distance or age restrictions to get more hits. I had a saved search on Plenty of Fish that I would do every day, just in case a new guy who met my every requirement (and lets face it, the list is long) joined up overnight or while I was at work. And I checked constantly for new users. What if I missed him?? Then I started to worry….

online-dating-site-soulmate-love-sex-cry-for-help-ecards-someecards

It got to the point where I had several conversations going on both Tinder and Plenty of Fish. I met a handful of them, one who really took my fancy in fact. Unfortunately, I didn’t take his fancy quite as much. If on your 4th date, your guy falls asleep on your couch then wakes up and goes home without so much as trying to cop a feel, he’s probably just not that into you. Lesson learned the hard way, but lesson learned.

The thing is, the more I messaged with people, the more I met people, the more I got completely let down by people I really felt a connection with and got excited about, the more I realised the dating apps, and dating, were completely destroying me. They were completely destroying my self esteem, and they were completely destroying my ability to be a good parent. Because they were at the forefront of my mind constantly. When my phone made a notification noise, I jumped at it.

So, December 31st, I deleted Mr Snoozy McSnooze pants, I deleted Tinder, I deleted Plenty of Fish, and I set off about 2017 the way I intend to live it: for myself, and my son. Perhaps after a few months of truly getting my priorities right and a few life-balls settled into the juggling routine, I may go back and dip my toes in the world of dating apps. Until then, I’ll put all that time and effort that went into dating, into myself. My hobbies. My son. Our life. Because I would much rather spend the rest of this life enjoying what I do have, than being obsessed with what I might or might not be missing out on.

2nd Date Heartache

I didn’t think it was possible to fall quickly for anyone. I have never really been that kind of girl. I can get carried away quickly in my mind, imagination runs down the path to all the things that could be ahead, but it doesn’t run for long before giving up and coming back to reality.

I also didn’t think those girls who were kicked off The Bachelor after a period of 2 weeks could possibly be so incredibly heart broken they’d be in tears. How ridiculous are they?

I didn’t think my judge of character could be so wrong.

But I am here to tell you I was wrong. On all three counts.

My recent post about All The Stars aligning to help you find someone was quite timely. I very quickly – too quickly really – thought I had found “The One.” Well, not THE ONE, but The One who was going to be my new boyfriend. The One I had so much in common with, a physical connection with, who checked ALL the boxes…who said all the right words. The One who seemed as interested in me as I was in him.

But words are just that. And words, actions…you know how it all goes. The thing is, dating with current technology can make the 2nd date feel like about the 10th, because you have talked so much and grown to know so much about this person, that even though you may have only spent time together twice, you feel so much more connected to them.

So while I nurse a broken heart, over someone I realise now that I barely even knew, I keep putting myself out there. Hoping that The One is not too far away, but coming to terms with the fact there may still be more heartache on the horizon before I find him. I absolutely loved watching The Bachelorette, and when Matty J’s heart broken in pieces, I felt it in my chest. But even Matty J said that to hide away for fear of being hurt is not living. So go on living I will, because eventually, the result will be different and my heart will sing.

 

All The Stars

I’ll just say it. The last time I dated there was no Facebook. There was no text messaging. I am old! There was online dating…it was new! But you still had to call people. There were still dating “rules” that included, among other things, not calling for at least 3 days. This was the appropriate amount of time to not look too keen but not look disinterested. Dinner was not a first date – too serious. You certainly didn’t have sex on the first date! This could be expected maybe around date 3 or 4, sometimes even longer!

Dating this time around is very different. Everything is instant. Instant messaging, often with the ability to see if your message has been sent/delivered/red and OMG THE HORROR – NOT REPLIED TO!

I’ve yet to meet someone who has shown a genuine interest in getting to know me rather than just get in my pants. Some of them I have let into my pants, because hey, a girl’s got needs too and sometimes the company and attention is nice.

But the one thing I have realised is that this time around, I don’t have time for bullshit. I don’t have time for “maybe that annoying habit will grow on me”. I don’t have time to settle for less than exactly what I am looking for. And I don’t have time to let people treat me like anything less than a princess. Which is what I’ve been letting people do.

The problem is, it’s not as easy as it seems. There are so many things, as a single parent in her late 30s, that have to align. Child-free weekends is a good start! If you have alternate child-free weekends, it is pretty much impossible. You know, unless you have really good babysitters or really understanding exes.

The next challenge is meeting someone who is on the same page and in the same stage of their life – moved on from the past and ready to settle down for the future. Anyone who just got out of any lengthy relationship is probably not really ready to embark on another. I know I certainly wasn’t. It’s coming up on a year now and I feel like I am finally ready to meet someone I want to keep around for a while.

Actually being attracted to each other is hit or miss. It would be easy to find a date online for every night of the week, and it might even feel like there is chemistry online, they look cute in their pictures, but rarely does this translate into real life chemistry (it did twice for me so far and I reckon I’ve been on at least 9 dates from online).

Then, finally, you have to have a similar level of interest in each other. One can’t be over keen because it scares the other one away (been on both ends of this one and think I am currently on both ends of it). I have met someone who ticks all my boxes and who I feel there’s a connection with, but I am not sure it is reciprocated. And I met someone who has flat out said that I tick all his boxes, but I already know I don’t feel that connection/spark. And while I know sparks don’t last, I think they need to at least be there at the start. Right? Or am I wrong?

And then after going through all this, I kind of think maybe it’s just easier/better to be on my own. I am a pretty cool chick, and quite the catch. I could do much worse than myself. And hey, my schedule will never conflict.

 

Casual Sex

Even in my 20s, before I met my ex, I wasn’t all that good at doing the casual sex thing. I had a couple of one night stands, but always thought they’d lead to more, and analysed every word spoken. If I was going to have sex with someone, I was either really attracted to them physically, or I already knew them and was hoping something more would happen. So either way, there was some kind of attachment there. And for casual sex to really be casual, and to not leave some kind of scarring on any level, there needs to be zero attachment.

I thought when my marriage was over that I’d enjoy the fact that I got to date again, and to kiss or have sex with anyone I decided I wanted to. No strings attached. I’ve slept with three guys since my marriage ended, and kissed twice as many as that. It hasn’t exactly all been as fun as I thought it was going to be. And it hasn’t always been as unattached or casual as I thought it would be. But I have had some liberating moments, some eye-opening moments, and some really “nice” moments (for the record I find “nice” a very boring word, but I mean it in the nicest way possible here).

But this weekend hit a new low, when I spent the night with a very cute guy, who I knew it was only a one night stand with for many different reasons, yet I still found myself cyber-stalking the next day. In my head I let all these fantasies carry me away. Out of the few guys I’ve been with in the last 8 months or so, he was the sweetest. He was the one I felt most comfortable with. The one I wanted to shut the door and spend all weekend with. Let me tell you how unfun and how unsweet it was to find out that he is actually married.

Now he is not the first guy, nor will he likely be the last, to visit the Gold Coast and pretend to be single when in actual fact he’s got a wife and kids waiting for him at home. I’ve met several of them before, however in the past the wife and family have come up before I did anything that had the potential to ruin a whole family.

While I wouldn’t say I feel particularly guilty – I can only go by what I’m told, right? – I can’t say I feel particularly great about it either. And the revelation has taken something that I had really fond memories of and turned it into something really cheap and trashy. But it also taught me something. Casual sex and one night stands will never be anything more than that. Either I accept it or I just refuse to participate in it. And there is absolutely nothing good to come of cyber stalking the next day.

But it also brought up an interesting question. If your husband was away on a boys weekend, and cheated on you, would you want to know? Or do you think ignorance is bliss? With the click of a button I could tell his wife what happened. I won’t, because it is not my place to ruin her marriage. Her husband seems to be trying to do that on his own and I am sure one day he’ll be found out. But I often think if I had never known about my ex’s other women, I’d have been none the wiser, and we probably would have been much happier and not separated. It’s just a theory. What do you think?

Linking up with Alicia from One Mother  Hen for Open Slather Monday

 

10 Things I Believe About Single Parent Dating

Kristy at My Home Truths is asking us to share 10 things we believe in her I Must Confess linkup today. I started writing a post about 10 Things I Believe About My Path, that was going to be so incredibly deep, moving and uplifting that it made me gag and I decided to write about 10 Things I Believe About Single Parent Dating.

I’ve been back on the market almost a year now. And as a woman on the wrong side of 35, who has a majority of custody of her son, this has not been as easy as I first thought it might be. In any case, I hope you enjoy these 10 things I believe about dating as a single parent.

  1. Dating in your late 30s and 40s brings even more baggage and ingrained personality flaws  traits that can’t be changed. If you thought you had to sort through the shit and the issues when you were dating as a 24 year old,  you have not seen anything yet. We are all walking around with the scars of our previous relationship, which after a marriage usually includes nastiness, hurt and multiple heartbreaks, because there is no heartbreak like a child’s heartbreak.
  2. Online dating is easier than meeting someone in person. As a single parent, it’s easy to sit online once the kids are in bed and “meet” people. It is convenient, and you can sort of get an idea if you might be attracted to that person or not.
  3. Online dating is harder than meeting someone in person. Meeting them online is easy, but it is impossible to gauge any kind of chemistry through a picture, a description and a few messages. In my experience thus far, online chemistry never converts to physical chemistry.
  4. Time is precious for a dating single parent. Personally, I only have every other weekend completely child free. There is too much going on during the week to date. I don’t have time to waste meeting people I am not a little bit keen on. And I don’t have time to waste thinking, “He could be ok” after I’ve met them. If there isn’t something there on that first date, I won’t bother going on another one.
  5. A 12 month break from relationships post-separation is a great idea for single parents. I met someone I was really interested in, just a couple of months after my separation. He kept telling me I needed 12 months on my own. I didn’t want to hear it. But he was right. As a mum/wife who also worked and studied, time on my own wasn’t something I was used to anymore, and I didn’t know what to do with my time. It took about 6 months, but I finally realised my child-free weekends were my time to re-discover what I love doing, and to do it!
  6. It is OK to date around and have fun. I have known lots of people who have jumped straight into another relationship. Probably because they weren’t told about #5 and panicked, thinking they needed to fill that gap that was now there. Just because you meet someone for coffee doesn’t mean you have to marry them. And if you want to have casual sex, then feel free to go for it. People may judge you, but it’s usually because they’re slightly jealous and wish they were free to do the same thing.
  7. Anyone under 30 without kids does not want a relationship with you. They just want that casual sex mentioned above. And you know what, if they are hot and you are keen, I say go for it! Then brag about it to your mates.
  8. Men without kids don’t get it. I’m sure they’re lovely, but if they are in their late 30s or 40s and don’t have kids, they may be ok with you having one (or some) but they’re not ever really going to understand what it means to have your kids always come first. They won’t understand why you can’t just get a babysitter to dating during the week. They won’t understand when you cancel on them because your kid is sick and just wants his mum, even though it’s his weekend at his dad’s. There may be exceptions to this rule, but I’d say they’re few and far between.
  9. It’s OK to wait for the right one. You’ve already wasted however many years on the wrong one. Don’t waste more. There actually are Plenty of Fish in the sea (FYI – the most successful dating site I’ve used is Plenty of Fish. Successful in that there is lots to choose from and they have to offer more information than Tinder). And I believe The Right One is out there for me. I might have to meet 100 other guys first, but he is out there.
  10. You have to put yourself out there. I don’t know about you, but hot available men don’t usually come knocking on my door, asking me out to dinner. Since separating I have upped the activities I do in my child free time, and I’ve joined a couple of different dating sites. It is scary as hell to meet someone in person sometimes, but I’m yet to have a date that was so bad he couldn’t at least hold a conversation. I’ve even been on a few 2nd and 3rd dates. The bottom line is, you’re not going to meet anyone sitting on your couch, so get out amongst it! It can even be fun!

Would love to hear your beliefs on single parent dating if you’ve done it. Or even if you haven’t, what your perception of single parent dating looks like.

Linking up with Kirsty at My Home Truths for I Must Confess