At first having the freedom and newfound liberation to go and sleep with strangers when I wanted to, if I wanted to, was kind of thrilling. But it has become a bit of a habit, and now it just makes me feel awful about myself. Especially when I learn more about the One Night Stand and they seem like guys I’d like to have something more than a ONS with. Although I only find this out through cyber stalking. And you know, they clearly don’t feel the same. None of them have exactly tracked me down the next day to ask me on a date. And why would they when they already got what they wanted?
It takes a pretty strong, confident and noncommittal person to have a one night stand. My pattern is simple. I drink to much. A cute guy buys me some drinks. We flirt. We kiss, and I am his. I am that easy. It all feels wonderful at the time, but the next morning my flight instinct kicks in and I am gone before they awake. I really am the ideal ONS. No strings attached.
But there are strings attached. To me. To my emotional state of mind, which quite frankly has been pretty fragile the second half of this year. I thought this was supposed to get easier? Time was supposed to heal?
The solution seems simple. Don’t go out. Don’t get drunk. Don’t kiss cute boys. Any or all of those would be a good start. But then I sit home, alone, lonely, and end up feeling crap about myself anyway. Surely the right solution is to just figure out how to not get emotionally attached to a ONS. But is doing that really that easy? What do you think?
I didn’t think it was possible to fall quickly for anyone. I have never really been that kind of girl. I can get carried away quickly in my mind, imagination runs down the path to all the things that could be ahead, but it doesn’t run for long before giving up and coming back to reality.
I also didn’t think those girls who were kicked off The Bachelor after a period of 2 weeks could possibly be so incredibly heart broken they’d be in tears. How ridiculous are they?
I didn’t think my judge of character could be so wrong.
But I am here to tell you I was wrong. On all three counts.
My recent post about All The Stars aligning to help you find someone was quite timely. I very quickly – too quickly really – thought I had found “The One.” Well, not THE ONE, but The One who was going to be my new boyfriend. The One I had so much in common with, a physical connection with, who checked ALL the boxes…who said all the right words. The One who seemed as interested in me as I was in him.
But words are just that. And words, actions…you know how it all goes. The thing is, dating with current technology can make the 2nd date feel like about the 10th, because you have talked so much and grown to know so much about this person, that even though you may have only spent time together twice, you feel so much more connected to them.
So while I nurse a broken heart, over someone I realise now that I barely even knew, I keep putting myself out there. Hoping that The One is not too far away, but coming to terms with the fact there may still be more heartache on the horizon before I find him. I absolutely loved watching The Bachelorette, and when Matty J’s heart broken in pieces, I felt it in my chest. But even Matty J said that to hide away for fear of being hurt is not living. So go on living I will, because eventually, the result will be different and my heart will sing.